Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
I am tired of myself.
I want to drop it off at the thrift shop as it is no longer serving me. It has developed bad habits. This thing is addicted to weed, watches mind-numbing Mukbung videos of people with tiny mouths eating 79 eggs, exercises only when it feels fat and dislikes most other living beings (excluding cute animals). It glitches when it gets stressed and malfunctions when it has PMS. It no longer thinks right, as the world cut its hair with kitchen scissors and coloured it with glitter markers. It gets weird pimples because it worries about being pregnant all the time, even though that has never happened. It sometimes chews its nails, ew.
I find no use for it as it has developed trauma, I think. It is bent and bruised. I think it wants a partner, but when someone says ‘long-term,’ the thing’s face turns purple. That was not in the manual. It has things like insecurities, futility. I don’t like it anymore. It mulls over people’s perception, which is none of its business. It freaks me out when it goes off the rails. Will you take it? It is not worth much, but maybe a little girl could make use of it?
Or not, it has weird sexual fantasies; keep it away from the children. I forgot, it bites, please don’t rub it between its legs.
Omg, another thing. It cries almost all the time. Don’t look at it funny, it will overthink for years and analyse the interaction till it bursts into tears. I forgot to mention, it gets hangry, please feed it. Protect yourself. It snaps, frowns, rolls its eyes and guess what? Wails.
Some okayish things; it started some self-reflection, but that can also lead to sobbing. Just keep it away from the other things, it might fall into depression from over-comparison. Just keep it in the dark, it feels at home, but make sure to leave a crack, as it is also scared of the dark. Water it regularly, and it is always dehydrated. Make sure to keep it in the shade; the thing is too pale.
Love it often and shower it with compliments; it is a whore for a little attention, especially from emotionally unavailable men. If you want to wind it up, just talk about feminism, and if you want to see it dance with rage, just poke its belly button. If it gets too much, which it often does, just play true crime, but do not speak, as it will shout if it cannot hear.
And the worst of all, the reason I can no longer live with it, it’s a compulsive need for love and care, but it is never enough. It is always nagging at everything breathing to look its way, and honestly, it is exhausting. It has this one particular flaw that makes it hateful. It loves to feel love. It will gnaw and claw and compliment and care till the confession of love is there. It will grab with greedy hands and bask in its glory. For who is not as perfect as the one admired by others? It sits, and it smiles, and the knowing of conquering the affection of another is on its side. It is evil and divisive and does not care to keep the lover there. It only wants the attention, knowing it has won. And after it got its fix, all is said and done.
It does not end, still more to say!
It is vain. It likes shiny, happy people. It is not as accepting as it likes to believe. It wants to be beautiful, young and perceived in just that way. It wants control over things that it has no right to control. It wants tall, it wants dark, and it needs handsome. It is revolting and annoying.
It gets tired, oh so tired.
Please do not iron, wash in cold water or take it to the mall.
Strictly air dry, lotion daily and keep in a cool dry place.
So here we are.
No returns, no refunds.
It will ask to be loved carefully and then punish you for doing it wrong.
Would you take it?